So a man approached me today – stopped his car right beside me. Driving forwards he was! I was almost too flummoxed to answer his question, and what a peculiar question it was…
“Why in God’s name is everyone walking backwards!” He exclaimed, right in my face – before I could politely turn my back to him.
He must have been a hermit, or deranged, or a mixture of both.
That’s probably it.
So I slowly turned away to show my good intentions and mulled the question over in my head.
It’s been many years since people habitually began to walk heel first. Frankly I’m not sure how society functioned before.
“Poor man” I thought as I took a backwards step towards him.
We shared an awkward dance as he skipped around me and I pivoted to avoid his unintentional breach of my personal space.
He eventually gave up and I wiped my brow in relief, cleared my throat and gave him the explanation I’m about to give you:
Our ancestors were forward thinking. They developed technologies to fill every role of society, they developed apps and games to reduce our human weaknesses – the need for engagement and interaction with others.
But problems still arose. People got offended seeing each other without image enhancing filters, everyone suffered (at one point or another) from the most horrendous stubbed toes but most just got bored. Bored of life being too easy. Eventually everyone just stopped smiling, sick of each other’s faces and of life’s mundanities.
One day the most forward thinking of them all came up with an idea so ahead of its time it sent the world back in a fresh and exciting new way.
Now that people only walk backwards, there’s no end to the health and welfare benefits!
Not having to be constantly insulted and disgusted by the faces of strangers, no stubbed toes (or banged shins for that matter!) and no need to be bored because life is now full of inspiring challenges.
Check this out *shows bruises*
I fall over at LEAST five times a day.
And you know why?
Because I’m not looking where I’m going! People are tougher now they’re falling over more, they have tougher kids too.
I read a book once…
It explained the natural selection of animals. The bigger and tougher the more likely they are to survive.
Humans are animals. Therefore by walking backwards we’re doing our bit for the continuation of our species.
In cars – drivers stay in reverse. Sure they’ve not the foggiest where they’re going, but let me tell you this.
Wouldn’t you rather be hit by a car going 10mph backwards, or a car going forwards at 70. And the great thing is, it’s no ones fault!
Honestly – our ancestors were SO irresponsible when they drove forwards.
And as for the toe stubbing: number one loss of life back in the day. That’s what my teacher said, I think.
Statistics show that people smile almost 200% more than before we walked backwards. Although it’s a little hard to tell when you can’t see their faces.
With the ability to more effectively hide your emotions people no longer need to worry about you not being happy. They can just assume because you can’t see their ugly mug you’re at peace with the world around you.
Now that everyone walks backwards, walking forwards has become a rare self-polarizing practice.
Not only that, but you look really stupid doing it.
So I’d like to pose a question to you.
Why are you walking forwards?
OK I didn’t call the guy a freak. I didn’t have the chance to before he was hit by a reversing car.
I just chuckled to myself as I turned to face him and walked away, delicately avoiding eye contact.